From Sylva to Platinum: The Windup

Cake — it’s one of my favorite bands and lately one of my favorite indulgences. And as a wedding caterer, I’m basically soaking in the stuff. After the Cake Frenzy reached at every wedding post cake cutting, I go in for the kill. With a nonchalant swipe as undetectable as one of Tyler’s famous SBD fart bombs, I can nab a piece of cake or two while conversing politely with a guest who is none the wiser. A victorious moment in the kitchen follows (as we nervously stuff our faces behind the ice machine). After all, how can we as wedding caterers get to know one of the most important players in the nuptial game (cake!) without regular sampling?

But that’s just it — like an obnoxious, red-nosed barfly, the cake thing has become a little too regular. Every once in a while, I’ll take in carrot cake lined with cream cheese like underground soil layers in a fracking video. With a strong stomach ache powered by a futuristic nuclear fission device, I’ll think, “Why did I do that? Triple ugh.”

Cake is taking over my life. First world problems, right? But FWP or not, the reality is that on September 20, T$ and myself will fly to Portland, chill for a couple of days with the BFFF Kelly and hubby Jacbo, then rent a car and drive to Eureka. Apres that, it’s two-wheeled, leg powered motion until we reach the foggy, funky hills of San Francisco. Fourteen days of challenging but amazing riding mostly along the coast carrying camping gear and the works — and with cake overtaking me like a herd of frosting-infested water buffalo, I’m not getting anywhere fast.

Starting mañana, I’m phasing out some of my food-emies for one month. It’ll go a lil’ something like this:

Wednesday, July 22: Goodbye processed sugar (except natural fruit sugar, honey, limited maple syrup). Why sugar? According to livestrong.com, the average person eats 150 pounds of sugar a year! That’s some serious empty calories. And too much sugar contributes to insulin imbalances and America’s newest epidemic: diabetes. I’m cutting it out mainly for the extra calories (and to kick cake’s @$$).

                                                                                          Thursday: Only a.m. coffee.

Friday: Goodbye wheat. Why wheat? Largely to cut out empty, pointless calories from refined wheat flours. Wheat flours are first bleached and stripped of all nutrients; then nutrition scientists (oxymoron?) add back the stuff they think is the most important. Also wheat, compared with other grains like quinoa, amaranth and kamut, is pebbles to diamonds in terms of its nutritive qualities.

 

*Saturday: It’s a sad, sad day but goodbye caffeine (except green tea). Why caffeine? To relieve my body — specifically my liver — from processing daily all the compounds and chemicals in things like coffee (and alcohol). A caffeine hiatus also gives my adrenal glands and endocrine system a break.

 

**Sunday: Goodbye alcohol. Why alcohol? Ye ol’ kidneys and liver, bien sur.

* The night of Lauren Hitchell’s bachelorette party in Denver, complete with dinner, burlesque show and cocktails galore.

** The day after Lauren Hitchell’s bachelorette party, when it will be very easy to give up alcohol.

The conversion so to speak from Sylva to Platinum (so punny!) is to these ends:

1. Complete ripped-ed-ness for the Cali bike tour starting on September 24.

2. Get really ripped and ride to the top of Loveland Pass and back to the house in Dillon in under 2 hours (yesterday I rode it in 2:14:24).

3. Fit in the skinny jeans again. Because scales are dumb, especially when the goal is to get super ripped.

4. Give my body a chance to cleanse, reboot and get really ripped.

5. Torture everyone three times a week with a summation of how the rippedness is coming along.

So August 22 will be Platinum Status (aka the end of the cleanse-reboot), including five days of reintegrating caffeine, sugar, wheat and eventually alcohol back into the normal routine.

I also have way to much shiznit up in my grill, so I will be giving something away every day of this journey. Therefore, I’ll have a box of free crap at the end of this. So if any of you in proximity of me and my FREE crap box want a crack at it, let me know! Otherwise, off to the thrift store like last year’s jeggings…

Anyway, I’m gonna put an egg in my shoe and beat it. Until next time…