Fifty Shades of Troll

Note to my readers: There are a series of seemingly random blogs coming down the pipelines whose topics were chosen by entities on Facebook. I said, “If you suggest a subject, I will write about it.” The following is a blog on trolls, a topic suggested by Jessica Z. Because, really, who isn’t just a little curious about trolls?

In the parlance of our times, to quote “The Big Lebowski’s” Maude, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory messages in an online forum for the sole purpose of provoking readers. I, personally, think of a troll as a certain jock in high school who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Upon more (and more) negative responses from me, he switched over to being a complete a**hole. I still remember in gym class he told me, “If you ran into a wall, the first thing you’d hit was your nose.” Yeah, okay, I was totally flat-chested, but still. What a troll.

Urban Dictionary — one of my favorite sites for colorful definitions —  provides a definition which toes closer to the type of troll I’d like to extoll. UD denotes a troll as “an angry monster who lives under a bridge, eats goats and vents his rage on YouTube.”

Let’s break Urban Dictionary’s troll definition down bit by bit to see if it holds up in the real world. Time to peek under the bridge…

1. First of all, what is a troll?

Most Web sites hold to a general trend as far as troll characteristics go. These sites agree trolls are:

1. Dim-witted

2. Quite large

3. Powerful

4. Ugly and/or smelly

All of which fit high a certain school jock. Just saying.

But trolls are so much more fascinating than an idiot high school jock. According to the 2010 Norwegian flick, “Trollhunter,” there is just so much more to know about trolls:

2. Do Trolls Really Live Under Bridges?

Wikipedia attests that trolls live in mountains, caves, rocks and grottoes. Scandinavia is a favorite locale for troll legends, myths and stories. For example, Swedes have a well-known tale called “Beowulf” about a hero (aptly named Beowulf) who goes to help a hall under attack by a suspiciously troll-ish fellow named Grendel.

In my trolling about, I found at least one specimen that rubs elbows with the masses:

I digress — do trolls actually live under bridges? Here is an original verbatim answer by a fellow called Askar on

“Yes they do, and fairy’s live at the bottom of the garden, they are soooo small you must be carefull not to stand on them….NEVER KILL OR INJURE A FAIRY! Be carfull of the troll, i havent gone any way near a bridge since……well, thats another story, put it this way i know trolls excist!”

Does anybody know what “carful” means? Awash with automobiles?

3. Do Trolls Really Eat Goats?

Yes… perhaps. The folks out on the Interwebs also believe that trolls eat: humans — particularly Christians, donkeys, cranberries, boogers, earwax, yogurt, Barbie heads and smaller trolls. Yummy.

And apparently, goats are also on the menu. Anybody heard of “Three Goats Gruff?” Stephan Colbert surely has:

4. Do Trolls Vent Their Rage on Youtube?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes:

Apparently, Urban Dictionary’s definition holds. Trolls are out there camping out under bridges, scarfing down goats (among other things) and barfing their horribly inane troll frustrations all over the World Wide Web. And apparently UCLA has no qualms about trolls in their student body. What is the troll-infested world coming to?

3 Replies to “Fifty Shades of Troll”

  1. Hahaha! This is priceless! I read it during Gynecology lecture and had to choke down snorts and laughs- this got me some trollish looks. It’s true- they exist here in P-town too. Troll apocolypse?

  2. I’m sorry to say that southwestern Utah is filled with trolls. I avoid them them by hanging out with the fairies.

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